Performance Appraisals that Don’t Suck
When I worked for a large company, May was the new fiscal year and preceding this were performance appraisals. And I always hated the performance appraisal time of year. To be clear, I have no problem giving feedback. I just hate receiving it.
I absolutely loathe being evaluated in any sense. I hate tests. I hate auditions. I hate direct competitions. I hate going to the doctor to have my bloodwork checked. And it's not because I hate failure or loss, or that I am a poor performer-it's because I hate the self-loathing that comes if and when I don't meet my own expectations.
I will ignore all the good things, and obsessively focus on what isn't working. It's not an atomic habit. I know. And I know I am not alone. Even if you don't engage in perfectionism or actually like to compete and love getting data on yourself, it is perfectly normal to not love work evaluations, or better yet, not enjoy being calibrated against your peer group (because you are not cattle).
And as a woman, receiving performance evaluations of any sort, can be draining. Here is why:
There are biases. Women couldn't get a housing loan in the US until 1974 without a male co-signer, so are we surprised that some establishments are not prepared to have us as decision-makers? Nope.
Imposter syndrome - is worse than pre-menstrual syndrome. Women tend to fear being exposed as frauds, even when they are f'ing killing it. So if feedback isn't provided in an objective manner and positioned as a way towards growth, or it is provided by someone you don't trust, it can exacerbate these feelings, creating more cramps. Studies show that men are often evaluated based on potential vs. women, their performance. And maybe that trend is what leads you to feel like you have to prove yourself when you actually are enough as you are.
Socialized to be sweet little sheep.
We have been socialized to be sweet. To follow. To succumb. It can be challenging if society's expectations of you is that you need to be a sheep when you want to lead the herd.
Some people suck at giving feedback.
They may not be trained. They may not have evaluated you expansively because they have no time or are lazy. The criteria you're rated against may not be clear. They may not coach you in the moment because they avoid conflict or don’t care. They may suck at communicating.
Yada, yada, yada…you get the point.
You have every right to hate performance appraisals. So now is the part where I am done pacing around the issue and want to get to stepping over it. Here is what I am not going to tell you to do.
I am not going to tell you how to manage the performance appraisal process.
I am not going to tell you how to soften your edges.
I am not going to tell you to want less for yourself.
I am not going to tell you how to take feedback.
I am not going to tell you how to manipulate your co-workers and boss, though that would be a really diabolic resource to create (if you're interested in building this skillset read the book The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene).
I am going to tell you to face the suckage of evaluations through exposure, by doing your own self-evaluations. So I am telling you to expose yourself. But not in a pervy way.
Since you are likely your own worst critic, it's time to start evaluating yourself FAIRLY on the regular; that way you can be so aware of what you're acing and where you're aching. You have your own facts and opinions of what you need to do to get better and then you go think the things and do the things that lead to gains. You can even leverage this process to help you with the work version of performance appraisals. It will help you be more aware of your wins and opportunities.
Let's be honest, performance appraisals are mostly opinions and opinions are like a#holes. So choose which a$*hole you care about. And that should be your own. But you can't advance if you're an a$#hole to yourself. So you must do this self-evaluation with compassion.
So here it is- my very special evaluation process just for you.
Plan eval time.
Don't act like you're too cool to plan. You plan to get your bush waxed, you can plan your evals. It can take 10-20 minutes or an hour if you want.
Get into Big Girl Energy
Before you get started you must get into an energy where you can evoke feelings of love towards yourself. I like to look in the mirror and complement myself and I don't care if I sound like Stuart Smalley because I need to hear that I am awesome from the hardest judge and jury-- me.
And only, when you are in a state of neutrality or pure love with yourself, you take out a piece of paper or a word processor and you ask yourself key questions.
You ask yourself "what is vibing" first.
You focus on what is working and ask yourself this question because naturally when your brain thinks it is time to evaluate, it will want to criticize. So we start with a nice, positive question "what is vibing" so we keep in that grown woman energy.
Here are some thought starters:
How did you spend your time that was effective
Where did you make progress on a goal
Did you put a lot of effort into something
Were you kind to yourself
Were you consistent in something that you wanted to be and why
Did you make a mistake and learn from it
Did you make a new friend or new connection
Did you smile more
Did you stand up for yourself or someone else
Did you do great work on something, or even just good work on something
Did you do something nourishing for yourself or stop a bad habit
Then ask yourself what did not work.
The key to this part of the process is making sure that you are objective. You are looking at facts, this is not a window for judgey-wudgy you to show up.
Here are some thought starters:
Could you have put forth more effort on a task in the time you had
Did you talk smack to yourself
Were you inconsistent and why
Did you make a mistake and engage in self loathing
Were you nasty to anyone who did not deserve it (this is on my list)
Did you give your power away and/or your energy away to a person or issue that is not aligned with you
Did you avoid work on something or avoid handling something you needed to
Did you say yes to things that were a hell no
What are the 1-2 things you will commit to doing (or stop doing) next week and when will you do these things?
You close with 3-5 things that you're grateful for about you.
Have you seen the Snoop Dog video where he says he'd like to thank himself? You are going to do that. This closes the daunting process of evaluation with something sweet- it's like the Andes mint after the garlic pasta.
Savor working on the one thing you have to live the rest of your life with: your self.
