How to Eliminate Burnout

"Even the loveliest shoulders can bear but so much.” — Jill Alexander Essbaum

How graceful of a quote for that blah, stomach-wrenching feeling of burnout. Have you ever felt like you are a hamster on a wheel and your little hamster legs are tired?

Or getting out of bed or sending the email, or emptying the trash takes an effort that requires the strength of an American gladiator?

Or maybe the thought of adding one more item to your to-do list made you want to throw an adult tantrum?

Maybe you see a text coming in from a certain someone and you don't even know what it says but you feel your eyes rolling in the back of your head.

If any of these things have happened to you, then you, frand are burnt out.

Let’s explore why you get burnt out and what to do to manage it so you get calm instead of crispy.

What burn out is and how it is different from stress.

 While stress and burnout can seem interchangeable on the surface, they actually are way different. Think of stress as a green smoothie that may taste like ass grass but leads to something productive happening in your intestines. Think of burnout as bottle of wine that after consuming it leads to a headache and a bad night of sleep.

One can have a positive impact, the other only leads to more issues.

‍According to the Mayo Clinic, stress “is an automatic physical, mental and emotional response to a challenging event.” It’s a normal part of all of our lives, and when you use it in a positive way, stress can help you grow, take effective action, and change for the better. 

‍Think about what you encounter if you have ever faced a job change. The stressors of hating your job, or losing your job, or wanting a change pushed you to act, causing you to get uncomfortable and put yourself out there and get a new gig that worked for you better overall.

‍Burnout, on the other hand, isn’t an automatic response. Rather, it occurs when you have been under prolonged stress. Researchers define burnout as “a psychological syndrome characterized by emotional exhaustion, feelings of cynicism and reduced personal accomplishment.” 

‍In other words, while stress can push you to take action, burnout can keep you stagnant. When you experience burnout you can feel disconnected in your life and it can impact your attitude and your experience. So you are not slaying, you are decaying.

 Burnout happens when you've pushed yourself beyond your limits — whether in your work lives, your relationships, or even in terms of your personal goals — you are at risk of burnout. I know we live in a David Goggins culture where you are supposed to work hard, and then work harder, and run 14 miles a day and fast for 16 hours and then go get a raise, but as women in particular, we are cyclical beings-- just look at your period- this is proof! And we have to honor rhythms of work and rest. When you don't honor your work with rest, you are going to start to feel the burn… and not in a 90s exercise video sort of way.

 Burnout also happens when you are mis-aligned. When you aren't listening to your heart. I heard this fascinating fact that there is only 17 inches from your head to your heart, and yet often times it takes us years to listen to what your soul is trying to tell you.

How to stay to calm instead of crispy

You probably know that when you are going through a stressful time (emotionally or physically) that self-care is essential for managing stress. Maybe that means more sleep, more water, more journaling, more 30 second hugs, more baths.

 Just as you know that self-care is essential for stress management, caring for your physical and emotional well-being will help you prevent (and combat) burnout. The thing is, is that when you are burnt out, the thought of you even lifting a finger sounds tiring unless it is the middle one.  The key to managing your burn out is to keep it easy, breezy little squeezy.

 Now is not the time to convince yourself to do anything that sounds like nails on a chalkboard to your soul. It may not be the time for an hour run or a girl's night out with 20 of your closest friends from high school that you haven't seen in 10 years. If it's not a hell yes, it's an F no.

 Focus on easy, sensory tactics. Here are some of my favorites:

• Listening to solfeggio frequencies

• Pouring a hot bath with epsom salts

• Lighting a candle and staring at the flame

• Walking outside with my ear buds and acting like I cannot talk to people

• Reading fiction (vs. self-help)

• Coloring in a coloring book

• Pulling weeds

Slow and steady progress is still progress — even when we’re trying to better cope with burnout. For working moms, one of the reason we may be burnt out is because we are (surprise, surprise) doing too much. A great way to combat this is to delegate anything that you can. I used to try and cook and clean and wash and learn everything, then lead the people and volunteer for PTA,  and it just led me to be a big old burnt-out bitch.

If you are an ambitious working mom who wants to create a life on your terms, you need to continue to evolve what you do and how you do it, because what got you here won't get you there. And I am sure no one sends an email like you, or sets up a powerpoint slide like you, or cooks manicotti or makes a bed, or folds socks quite like you… but if you want more things in your life that light you up, then you need to blow up the notion that you need to do every f ing thing, and be responsive to every person's request,  to ensure the world moves. Because you don't.

Here are some critical hacks to help you rise above the bullshit so you can do more of the good shit:

At home

Meal delivery services or heat and eat meals -I used to love to cook and then I realized I don't anymore. But the people who love to make pre-made meals do, so I buy them- from Costco, from Aldi, from Factor, from whatever service will do it.

Chores- If you can afford a cleaning crew, great. If it is not in your budget, your kids should take part in caring for the household. I run a chore bingo card for my kiddos and when they complete the tasks for the week, they get a treat. And I don't have to nag them and that is also a treat.

Batch tasks- Laundry is on Monday. Bills are Wednesday. Instacart orders happen Friday. I do it once and then I don't revisit.

At work

Get Clear on What Moves the Needle- Think about the value you provide at work in relation to what you produce. So if you are in marketing, you produce great products that drive topline sales, or campaigns that drive brand awareness. So focus on the activities that actually help produce those outcomes. A lot of you are spending so much of your times on parking lot items that don't move the needle on your impact. Determine what actions drives the most value and double down on those activities.

 Eliminate Dumbass Meetings- So many meetings should be an email or text, but people are lonely, inefficient, craving control, and bored so they create meetings because they don't know what else to do. That doesn't have to be you. What if you only accepted and held meetings with a clear outcome? How would that change your life? What if you stopped having meetings where you are "reporting out" and instead leveraged data and tech tools or a flipping spreadsheet so that you don't have to explain yourself? You could create a 30-day challenge where you and your team only commit to 15 or 40 minute meetings instead of a 30 or 60 minute ones, and only hold meetings where a clear outcome is established and the individuals in the room can help deliver the outcome…

Trust Your Team- If you have direct reports please for the love of God don't confuse management with babysitting or mothering them. A part of learning is failing. Let them try, then coach them, then watch them get better. And if they don't get better, have a touch conversation. You working 60 hour weeks because your team "can't do it" or "doesn't get it" is likely your ego, amigo.

 In any relationship (work or personal)…

Cut the cord on people that don't deserve your energy.

Energy goes where focus flows. Sure you may need to answer the phone at times when your boss calls, but do you have to engage in the panic that he creates and let his tantrum ruin your day?

Of course your friend from your master's program was tons of fun, but she is flighty as hell and treats you like you're disposable-- so does she deserve your response when she feels like giving you attention with her rando texts and DMs?

 You can love and/or respect people and still engage with them in a way that maintains your peace. One of the most powerful things I have done is to let myself love and respect people "from afar." What this means is I don't have to engage in their drama in order for me to love them and care for them… just let them be, and let me be. This creates a harmony and a distance in my head space so that when they do come with me with a crisis, or a last-minute happy hour invite, I can stay rooted in my power, and respond from a place of calm, clarity and still have agency over where I put my time. I don't feed dread or resentment, I just let go.

 For yourself…

Stop with the standards that don't equate to soul joy.

You don't have to be all the things to be enough. You are worthy because you are here. You may be burnt out because you are trying to be the things that aren't meant for you.

I know society tells us we need to have a designer bag, have a hot title, read 4 newspapers a day, be tan all year round, have skinny legs with a huge bubble butt, earn 7 figures and take 5 vacations, avoid gluten and serve lasagna on Sundays, but the truth is, that you will never be happy chasing a rainbow that doesn't lead to your pot of gold.

Care about what you care about. Prioritize only those efforts and create time for them.

Be okay with doing D- work on the rest or just letting it be.

 You are too bright to burn out. Own your light, keep glowing.