Bookends (aka productive off buttons)
I am already starting to see ads for Mother's Day gifts and brunches, and special deals on spa packages- and all of this is lovely, but as a working mom of 2, plus a dog and a wife to a husband who loves to “snuggle” often, I need more than an intermittent spa days every 2-3 months.
Actually, I need a regular off button to relieve me.
I've had those days where I have gone to the spa and had my pours cleansed of impurities, only to walk in to my home to someone crying, someone wanting a snack, a data breach that has my SSN and a husband who wants to make out.
And nothing took me out of my zen more than the slap in the face reminding me that everyone needs me. And everyone does need me- and they need you. But no one needs you, more than you need you. And that means you need to own the switch to your off button.
Enter bookends.
I have 2-4 bookends in my day on the regular. The purpose of these bookends are to get me in the head and heart space for the "shifts within my day." They are moments where I tune in, in order to tune out, and they offer me mini soul massages throughout the day so that I don't run to guzzling High Noons and eating almond butter directly from the jar, or screaming profanities at my babies.
As a working mom, you probably have a job you get paid for, and job you don't get paid for and each of these jobs have shifts.
There is the morning shift where you are getting yourself and your kids ready for the day.
There is the day shift where you are working at your job, and you are likely having moments at the day shift where you are getting emails or notifications from the school, your spouse or the bank-- so that's happening.
You have the afternoon shift, where you are winding down your work "day" and preparing to wrap the office work because you have an evening shift.
The evening shift is often tending to your family members as the Uber Driver, chef, homework tutor, CFO, emotional support blanket, bather, home organizer, finder of wallets and folder-checker, ass wiper and lover.
You also may throw in some additional “work work” with phone calls and emails while doing all of the family items above within your evening shift.
I am tired from reading this. To preserve my energy, sanity and happiness, my bookends look like this:
A morning bookend where I get up before my kids and I have a lovely coffee, journal, read something inspirational and set my intention for the day.
A mid-morning bookend where I walk, lift weights, or at least to stare at something that is not a computer screen.
A witching hour (or afternoon) book-end during the time when I am still working and my kids get home -- I do something that calms down my nervous system-- sometimes that is going in to my room and putting on white noise for 10 minutes, or walking outside with only the dog so I don't have to speak, or taking a shower to literally wash the day off of my oily skin.
An evening bookend, after I put the kids down which is usually a way to tuck myself in--- bath, book and magnesium drink and some sort of prayer or meditation.
If this practice sounds luxurious to you or like it’s too much work, I'd offer that it is more work when I don't use my bookends to manage my shifts because after a few day of no bookends, I start creating more issues to manage. I yell so loud I make my kids cry, or I blow up at my spouse and then I have to fix that, or I drink my feelings and then I have a hangover on top of a presentation to manage. The stress-response behaviors take me more time, energy and effort to un-do vs. the proactive leveraging of bookends that prepare me to be centered and more resilient.
To install bookends into your life:
Look at your week and daily "flow" and determine where you have or need shifts.
Determine how much time you can create for each book end and schedule it. Cool it with the eye roll about the scheduling because you schedule and show up to have a colonoscopy and/or a breast exam, or weekly status meetings with employees where you tell grown-ass adults how to behave as adults—and those moments are way less fun than a bookend-- biatch please.
Create yourself a little bookend toolkit-- this is simply a list of what you will do during these bookends-- oh, and doing nothing but staring at the wall is perfectly acceptable.
Here are some principles on bookends:
They need to be restorative and not destructive--- there is a difference between sipping a lovely glass of wine and enjoying it fully while being present and when you take a bottle to the face, in order to numb the day so you don’t have to think about the mansplaining you endured from the bald white dude with the barely-there chin (you know the guy).
They do not need to be productive but they need to be intentional-- so take a walk if you want, or go take a fitness class at Cyclebar in the morning- but do it with the intention of fueling yourself or winding down based on the shift you are about to face.
They can be as quick as 5 minutes or as long as you like- what matters is that you do them and do them consistently.
If you don't get to the bookends because shit hits the fan-and it will- then please make sure to move on to the next regularly scheduled bookend as soon as possible.
So lady, please. Go create some sexy, soothing bookends that preserve your beautiful life. No one needs you as much as you need you.
