How to Set Boundaries that Work

Boundaries are critical to creating a life we love. They support your mental health, your emotions, your relationships and also can help improve your overall self-confidence and integrity. Yet boundaries need to be understood and implemented correctly in order to harvest all of those good things, and a lot of us are falling short in the way we implement boundaries.

 So let’s get you in the right mindset on how you define and activate boundaries, so you can continue to be a badass and not a sad-ass.

 A boundary is an “ask” that you make, and an action you will take if the request is not honored. For a boundary to work, you need to clearly state this request to the external party (spouse, boss, employee, child). And then, you need to follow through and take the action that you have established in order for the boundary to work. I refer to this action as an enforcement mechanism. It is what you will do or not do if the boundary is crossed.

Here are some examples of good boundaries that I have used in my personal life:

At home with my parents who live next door: Please call before you come over to my home. If you come over unannounced, I won't be available to visit with you.

Enforcement mechanism: Lock the door.

At work with clients: Please provide all of your data by next week, or I will need to add a week to the timeline.

Enforcement mechanism: Publish a new timeline. List requirement in the contract with client.

Some of you may not be getting the benefits of a good boundary because you are not articulating your boundary outright and you may not be enforcing the boundary and then you get frustrated that your boss, your team or your spouse isn’t reading the tea leaves to how to treat you.

The thing that blows about this situation, is your relationships with the other party, and overall with yourself, will likely become strained. You may feel immense resentment towards the other person or disappointment with yourself for not getting what you need and want.

The whole reason to set a boundary is to create greater alignment in your life. So when you set a boundary, it needs to be set with a good intention- not a threatening one— an intention that creates more connection, freedom, presence, or whatever value you want and need more of to thrive. The greater positive association you have with the boundary, the more likely you are to enforce it. Also, when you articulate the boundary to the other party, they are more likely to understand the benefit of their respecting it. For this reason, it can be very beneficial to share with the other party why you need to set the boundary and the positive outcome they can experience.

 So for the examples I provided…

My at-home boundary with my parents: Please call before you come over to my home. If you come over unannounced, I won't be available to visit with you and give you the attention you deserve.This boundary was set with the intention of having meaningful and positive connections with my parents, instead of transactional ones.  When I provided them with this context, they had a deeper understanding of my love for them and stopped coming over unannounced because they wanted to preserve loving interactions.

My at-work boundary with my client: Please provide all of your data by next week, or I  will need to add a week to the timeline-- this was set with the intention of providing the best quality work possible.  My client understood that they would get better work, delivered on time if they provided the data in a timely manner.

Boundaries are work to manage and uphold, so be sure that the juice is worth the squeeze when you are creating and enforcing them. There is a Michael Jackson song that says "If  you can’t feed the baby, then don’t have a baby." And I think we could replace the word “baby” with “boundary.” Don’t create boundaries that you don’t want to manage. When you fail to uphold your boundary, you are failing to respect your own word and that behavior can compromise your ability to trust yourself and for others to take you seriously.

Here's another practical example of a boundary working.

I had just started a new job and also had a one year old at the time and felt the familiar pattern that so many of you do of bringing home the bacon, frying it in a pan and then getting your kids to eat said bacon when they really only want nuggies.

My boss was known for being a night owl. She often would call me between  6pm-10pm because that worked for her.

I felt a sense of conflict because I wanted to perform well in my new role and build a connection with my new boss, but not at the expense of those precious few hours with my little baby, Carmen. And also having a one year old often meant getting up at 5 am and I needed to be in bed at 8:45- not working.

So I needed to set a boundary. My intention stemmed from the desire to create harmony with my professional and personal life that served all of my “constituents”- my family, my boss and myself.  

Once I knew my boundary, I set a meeting with my boss and made a clear and concise request. I told her that given my responsibilities personally and professionally, I needed to have specific working hours. I told her my intent was to support her and my family to the best of my ability and that meant focusing my work time and my family time. I assured her that I  would  respond to her needs between the hours of 8 am and 5pm, and that if she needed anything after hours, I’d respond via email or a phone call the following day within the hours I had set.

This request worked because it was a clear ask. I clarified the intention was one of goodwill- to provide the best support. I also told her what I would do- I would respond the next morning, so she could be clear that her needs would be met. And here is the other thing---I did not tell her not to call me. I did not tell her not to email me. I cannot control her although we know it would be so awesome if I could- instead I used an enforcement mechanism to manage the boundary. My enforcement mechanism was leaving my laptop in the car when I got home and putting my phone on silent after 5:45 and in my bedroom, so my boss could literally not access me. This saved me the distraction and guilt of seeing my phone ring when I was snuggling my baby.

Did I pit out when I needed to have this conversation with my boss? YES. Before, during and after.

Was she understanding? Yes.

Did she call me again at 10 pm? She did once or twice after, but eventually got with the program.

Now I know some of you are thinking, “that would never fly with (fill in the blank).” And I’d ask if pleasing that person is worth resenting that person in the long-term…or even worse, resenting yourself because you don’t ask for what you need. And then you never get it.

If you are a people pleaser and struggle with wanting to other people to like you because you are a human being, or a woman socialized to do things for others, boundaries will feel like a job. But it is a job that is worth your effort, because when you don’t set boundaries in areas of life that matter to you—- your values, your vision, your relationships—those areas will suffer.

So yes, you will encounter individuals that don't want to align or respect your clearly stated and enforced boundaries. And when that happens, the choice is yours to determine if that person deserves to take up space within your beautiful, limited life. As long as you are upholding your own standards, aligned with your values, you are on your way to a happier and healthier life.

Now go forth and set some badass boundaries.